Owned.

It was almost all over yesterday.

There were several times I just wanted to say FUCK BEING HEALTHY.

I started the day off by making poor choices for breakfast (a granola bar and a bowl of golden grahams--Delicious--but lacking any real nutritional value.) Then I went waaaaaay too long before eating again, got into the kids sugary snacks (had some sixlets and sour gummy worms), bought a bunch of unhealthy snacks for the house (ice cream, oreos, etc) and wanted to rip into the sugary chocolatey goodness on the way home because I was so hungry from skipping lunch. (We left the grocery store around 3:30pm and I hadn't eaten anything substantial since breakfast at 9am.

But I didn't.

I grabbed my box of pecan crackers which while nutritionally similar to the bag of oreos I was able to have 16 crackers in a serving where I only would have had 3 oreos, AND sugary goodness like oreos is a BAD BAD BAD trigger food for me and almost always leads to binges (and I probably would have eaten half the bag.)

No joke.

So I ate a serving of my crackers, had an orange when I got home to satisfy my sweet tooth, put the sugary goodness snacks safely away in the cabinets, and refused to get into anything else until dinner (since after rushing to put away the groceries I had to hurry and get started on that). For dinner I made chicken enchiladas and I made a big dish for the family loaded with cheese and using flour tortillas, and I made me a little side dish leaving out the cheese, and using whole wheat tortillas. I ate my intended serving (less actually, because I had told myself I could have 2 since I was so hungry and I had made them healthier ((I only ate 1.5)) and then we packed up the kids to go for a ride in the mountains and I grabbed me an apple and 90-calorie rice cake pack for my late-night snack.

On the way home from our ride we dropped D off at my moms because I had to work early today and it's usually easier to drop him off the night before when I work early. At my mom's she had delicious chocolate chip muffins covered in chocolate brownie frosting, saltwater taffy, frosted oatmeal cookies, hot cheesy pizza, and about a zillion other temptations. I picked off the cheese and pepperoni from the bottom of the pizza (you know those couple bites that collect where all the slices meat) and grabbed myself a bottle of water to chug down to keep myself out of everything else. And then I had us get the hell out of dodge before I couldn't contain myself any longer.

My day (food-wise) had been poorly planned and executed, and I knew it.

I casually suggested to my boyfriend on the way home that I was frustrated I hadn't been able to get my morning workout in (my stupid ex-husband had foiled my plans) and I had been hoping to go when we got back from our ride, but hadn't been expecting it to be so late when we got back (it was 10:15 pm by the time we left my mom's house). I then threw out the hypothesis that if I hurried and changed when we got home I could be to the gym by 10:30, out around 11, which wouldn't be too bad. In my head I was thinking of my calorie deficit for the day and telling myself I could totally skip working out since I had eaten so little.

We got home, I lollygagged around for a bit and my boyfriend asked if I was going to the gym. I just shrugged the suggestion off. A few minutes later he told me I should get moving if I was going. My lazy sugar craving self replied that I would rather just sit at home and eat oreos, I didn't feel like going to the gym after all. To which he replied that I didn't really want to do that, and I would be upset with myself the next day if I did. Which was right. And so I indignantly got my gym clothes on and went to the gym. Then entire time I got ready I was pissed.

Why do I have to work out? Why didn't I get blessed with a 5' something frame that was a size zero? Why did I have to give up oreos and sweat my life away on a treadmill just to avoid gaining weight?

And I stormed off the gym mad that I needed to go.

While I was running I stewed about the same things. It's not fair that I have to watch what I eat. It's not fair I can't lose weight easily. It's not fair I'm tall and have a lot more places for fat to cling to. It's not fair my metabolism slowed down because I'm getting older. It's not fair my body didn't bounce back from having a baby. It's not fair that the people around me get to eat delicious treats as much as they want and never workout and it makes me extremely jealous. It's not fair that some people never have to push themselves at the gym and yet look as amazing as if they had just stepped out of the pages of a magazine.

And that's when it hit me.

They don't have the control of their bodies that I do.

Really? After the buildup story and all the unfairness I was whining about, I decided it was OK because I have CONTROL over my body?

Yup.

I am not owned by oreos. I am not owned by laziness. I am not owned by those around me.

If I want my body to run, by god, my body is going to run.

If I want to eat healthy so that my body can operate at the full potential I was blessed with, and not be slugged down by over consumption of over processed artificial not anywhere near the way nature intended it to be foods, I can.

Indulgences? Yes. Treats? Yes.

But they will not own me. I do as I please, when I please, because I am in control. Not because a situation is presented to me and I "couldn't help myself."

And being master of myself, I choose to eat healthy and exercise because of the proven benefits doing so provides TO ME.  Everyone else has to decide for themselves, and their fitness/food/health in no way has anything to do with mine, and I shouldn't compare. And that's just how it is.

I choose to make healthy choices MOST of the time because I want to live a long and healthy life.