Owned.

It was almost all over yesterday.

There were several times I just wanted to say FUCK BEING HEALTHY.

I started the day off by making poor choices for breakfast (a granola bar and a bowl of golden grahams--Delicious--but lacking any real nutritional value.) Then I went waaaaaay too long before eating again, got into the kids sugary snacks (had some sixlets and sour gummy worms), bought a bunch of unhealthy snacks for the house (ice cream, oreos, etc) and wanted to rip into the sugary chocolatey goodness on the way home because I was so hungry from skipping lunch. (We left the grocery store around 3:30pm and I hadn't eaten anything substantial since breakfast at 9am.

But I didn't.

I grabbed my box of pecan crackers which while nutritionally similar to the bag of oreos I was able to have 16 crackers in a serving where I only would have had 3 oreos, AND sugary goodness like oreos is a BAD BAD BAD trigger food for me and almost always leads to binges (and I probably would have eaten half the bag.)

No joke.

So I ate a serving of my crackers, had an orange when I got home to satisfy my sweet tooth, put the sugary goodness snacks safely away in the cabinets, and refused to get into anything else until dinner (since after rushing to put away the groceries I had to hurry and get started on that). For dinner I made chicken enchiladas and I made a big dish for the family loaded with cheese and using flour tortillas, and I made me a little side dish leaving out the cheese, and using whole wheat tortillas. I ate my intended serving (less actually, because I had told myself I could have 2 since I was so hungry and I had made them healthier ((I only ate 1.5)) and then we packed up the kids to go for a ride in the mountains and I grabbed me an apple and 90-calorie rice cake pack for my late-night snack.

On the way home from our ride we dropped D off at my moms because I had to work early today and it's usually easier to drop him off the night before when I work early. At my mom's she had delicious chocolate chip muffins covered in chocolate brownie frosting, saltwater taffy, frosted oatmeal cookies, hot cheesy pizza, and about a zillion other temptations. I picked off the cheese and pepperoni from the bottom of the pizza (you know those couple bites that collect where all the slices meat) and grabbed myself a bottle of water to chug down to keep myself out of everything else. And then I had us get the hell out of dodge before I couldn't contain myself any longer.

My day (food-wise) had been poorly planned and executed, and I knew it.

I casually suggested to my boyfriend on the way home that I was frustrated I hadn't been able to get my morning workout in (my stupid ex-husband had foiled my plans) and I had been hoping to go when we got back from our ride, but hadn't been expecting it to be so late when we got back (it was 10:15 pm by the time we left my mom's house). I then threw out the hypothesis that if I hurried and changed when we got home I could be to the gym by 10:30, out around 11, which wouldn't be too bad. In my head I was thinking of my calorie deficit for the day and telling myself I could totally skip working out since I had eaten so little.

We got home, I lollygagged around for a bit and my boyfriend asked if I was going to the gym. I just shrugged the suggestion off. A few minutes later he told me I should get moving if I was going. My lazy sugar craving self replied that I would rather just sit at home and eat oreos, I didn't feel like going to the gym after all. To which he replied that I didn't really want to do that, and I would be upset with myself the next day if I did. Which was right. And so I indignantly got my gym clothes on and went to the gym. Then entire time I got ready I was pissed.

Why do I have to work out? Why didn't I get blessed with a 5' something frame that was a size zero? Why did I have to give up oreos and sweat my life away on a treadmill just to avoid gaining weight?

And I stormed off the gym mad that I needed to go.

While I was running I stewed about the same things. It's not fair that I have to watch what I eat. It's not fair I can't lose weight easily. It's not fair I'm tall and have a lot more places for fat to cling to. It's not fair my metabolism slowed down because I'm getting older. It's not fair my body didn't bounce back from having a baby. It's not fair that the people around me get to eat delicious treats as much as they want and never workout and it makes me extremely jealous. It's not fair that some people never have to push themselves at the gym and yet look as amazing as if they had just stepped out of the pages of a magazine.

And that's when it hit me.

They don't have the control of their bodies that I do.

Really? After the buildup story and all the unfairness I was whining about, I decided it was OK because I have CONTROL over my body?

Yup.

I am not owned by oreos. I am not owned by laziness. I am not owned by those around me.

If I want my body to run, by god, my body is going to run.

If I want to eat healthy so that my body can operate at the full potential I was blessed with, and not be slugged down by over consumption of over processed artificial not anywhere near the way nature intended it to be foods, I can.

Indulgences? Yes. Treats? Yes.

But they will not own me. I do as I please, when I please, because I am in control. Not because a situation is presented to me and I "couldn't help myself."

And being master of myself, I choose to eat healthy and exercise because of the proven benefits doing so provides TO ME.  Everyone else has to decide for themselves, and their fitness/food/health in no way has anything to do with mine, and I shouldn't compare. And that's just how it is.

I choose to make healthy choices MOST of the time because I want to live a long and healthy life.

en numeris sita sunt

"En numeris sita sunt"




My newest ink addition; as soon as I get my A.A. Math degree. Oh yea. There's this C++ class standing between me and graduation. I've enrolled in it twice but dropped out both times.




The first time I lingered after class in Fall 2009 (a class in which I, as a female, was clearly in the minority. I think 3-4 women were accounted for in a class of twenty-something students. The professor asked me what kind of processor I was running and I said I didn't know. (I didn't even know what a processor was at the time). So the professor questioned my credentials to be in the class.




Let me tell you how deeply this offended me.




I got an A in the prerequisite class, Math 160. I felt comfortable with the material I had been taught and I had taken math classes almost every semester since High School graduation.




I was extremely embarrassed not to know the information requested and I no longer felt entirely capable of passing the class. I did not let my enthusiasm wane, however; I assured myself I was indeed capable of tackling the task at hand. And so I went for a week, it was probably closer to two, and I hit a wall in the information and I felt overwhelmed.




At this same time, issues in the enrollment process at ISU left me in tears parading around a campus I was unfamiliar with, requesting signatures, seriously a snot nosed mess. My original intentions when I started college were to become a teacher and I had changed to seeking a Mass Communication degree and an associates of math instead. I spoke with an advisor and he said I needed to drop the CSI class and take a class in the mass communication department that was offered at the same time because it was a prerequisite to most of the mass communication classes. I hated to drop the CSI class because it made it seem as if I had dropped out because I didn't think I could do it, but I switched classes.




In order to receive my tuition money from the government, the tuition department informed me I had to have each professor and the head of my department, the College of Arts and Sciences (of which Mass Communication is a parasitical child) sign a paper by the end of that day. The head of the Mass Communications department, my advisor, and one of my new professors, signed the sheet and initialled that I was enrolled in all the classes to save me the task of travelling between two different campuses to collect three additional signatures and turn them into the office by the end of the day, and assuring that both he and I knew I was really taking them all. I took the form to the secretary (I would say "administrative assistant" because secretary is the new "politically correct word" since "secretary" has way too many indecent office affairs connotations now, but this lady was my nemesis at the moment and "secretary" was ok to say back then) in the College of Arts and Sciences to get her bosses signature. She looked the paper up and down she looked at me with disdain and said who's signature is this. I told her whose it was, and informed her of my professor's credentials. She said, he can't sign for everyone. I informed her of the difficulty and the unavailability of time for me to acquire all the signatures, and assured her I was attending all the classes. She looked at me without an ounce of compassion in her eyes and said sorry, you have to have everyone else sign if you want this lady (the head of the College of Arts and Sciences department, whose signature was required) to sign your paper. Ridicules. I tried to protest, broke out in tears, left the office in a fit of frustration and defeat and called my dad as I angrily stormed across the campus, bawling my eyes out. I explained the situation to my dad and offered a couple of solutions. Drop out of school because I felt the entire education system had failed me, just take the classes I needed to get my math degree, (I only needed three math classes and one general) or suck it up, figure it out, and get the signatures necessary. My father advised I should just get my Math degree. I think my recent change in degrees had left him unsure of my capability to graduate. And he had good reason, switching degrees had tacked on years of education. I composed myself, thanked him for discussing the matter with me and helping me stop crying and stood in the middle of the Pocatello campus and had to decide right then what I would do.




I tracked down my professors, got the signatures, and turned the paper in indignantly and tried to ignore the secretary's smug smirk I couldn't help but see through my smeared makeup. With the certified paper in hand I had learned an even deeper hatred for a system I had only weeks earlier hoped to become a part of.




I since have tried to take the CSI class but it's never adequately fit into my schedule. There was another semester I enrolled and attended one class but it was a different professor and a different book (changed the same day as the class began) and I had no interest in spending another 200 dollars on another C++ book when it wasn't critical I took the class that semester so I dropped it.




Well, this next semester if i don't pass any other class, if I never go to school again after, I need to pass this class. And while I understand I am perfectly capable of passing the class, I can't help but feel apprehensive.




When I pass this class and finally overcome the obstacle which was placed before me years ago, I plan on getting a tattoo which reads "En numeris sita sunt." Or roughly, everything lies veiled in numbers. I have wanted the tattoo for a long while and I assured myself long ago I would give myself the permenant reminder of how it feels to know you are capable of overcoming obstacles as soon as I obtained my associates, and I felt the number reference was only fitting for a math degree.




I will have that tattoo in December of 2011. That is my biggest goal for 2011. Over everything else. And now, I'm off to work on a subgoal; fitness. Thanks for listening.

complete breakfast

my opinion on the media being legally able to lie.

For my media law paper, my professor and I have very differing opinions on the freedoms that have been allowed the press. He thinks that the press has the right to do a terrible job, do nonfactual reporting, and most essentially; lie. His logic was something along the lines of

"I'll defend your right to do a terrible job."

Huh?

Since when did a profession need to be allowed to do a terrible job so the people aren't afraid to speak out against there government? If I truly live in a government such as this; there's a problem with the system. It would seem to me the allowing of lies to infiltrate the public's consciousness was in no way the founding fathers intentions. But in Time, Inc. v. Hill 1967, the US Supreme Court decided the press can't be punished for lying; even if they know they are, so long as they don't intend malice.

This is what I put as a footnote to my final report on the case.

My personal opinion on this subject: It’s hard for many people to accept the consequences of their actions because they feel they are not at fault because they didn’t “intend” it to work out that way. But this is false logic. If someone didn’t “intend” to decapitate a seven year old girl by driving into the vehicle she is in, head on at seventy miles an hour, does that make him any less responsible? No. So it intrigues me that the Supreme Court has time and time again used this same line of logic in other legal areas. It seems to me, you should have to live with the consequences of your actions regardless of your intentions. How could holding the press responsible for their actions possibly harm the press and impede their ‘breathing space necessary for survival?’ as the case's dissension implicates. This expectation of truth above all else and punishment for consequences regardless of intention wouldn’t harm the press: it would merely make a reporter be damn sure he is right before he opens his mouth or lifts his pen or types one word. And how could that honestly harm the press? We no longer live in a time and age where the press must be given absolute freedom in order for someone to be brave enough to speak out against the government, which was the founding fathers true fear. If someone has something based in fact and research to say and they are willing to face the consequences of saying said item if it’s false; by god they aren’t going to say it if they know it’s not true, and they’re going to do everything in their power to make sure that what they say is accurate. What harm would it do the American citizen if the news they heard was credible? Nothing but help them make democratic decisions. What would happen to this country’s presses if they were forced to be credible? Half of them would disappear immediately, and slowly but surely many others would disappear because they are simply not credible. And if all the fabrications and lies and misrepresentations and biases that we are spoon fed by the press were suddenly to disappear and this vast and unbridled media were to finally have to step up to the plate and find out what’s really going on; and the American Citizen didn’t have to sit and wonder, “Is what they are telling me on TV true? Does that country really have weapons of mass destruction? Do we really need to be involved in Libya?” perhaps then we could claim that we live in a truly democratic country. But, if I as a citizen of this country, have no guarantee if what I am hearing is true other than to go dig through files in some secure office and look at the papers myself; or of knowing if what politicians say is true by the same means, then I am in no way capable of making a democratic decision.

Vernal Equinox

[[Ah, the first day of spring.......]]

To many people, January 1 is the start of the new year.

People hop on treadmills, starve themselves, and vow that "this year will be the year that I _________" Fill in the blank. Lose weight, get good grades, don't lose my temper.....anything and everything is pledged.

Most wane before the month is out.

The weather sucks, you've got the doldrums because the excitement of the holiday season is over, the sun never shines, you're too busy, you've got plenty of time to do it, so you put it off...excuses come, resolutions go. It's a cycle that happens every year. 

But there's another "beginning" we've been given each year, and it comes in plenty of time to get "bikini-ready" by June:

The vernal equinox, aka the first day of spring.

What better day to set a resolution, to make goals, to start accomplishing what you've been putting off? The days are getting longer and longer, the sun is shining more, the snow is melting (if you're lucky, lol) flowers are pushing their tender shoots up through the soil, and the feeling of promise is nearly tangible in the air outside.

March 20, 2011: The day I decided to stop making excuses and start getting results.

How does that feel? Try it on, wear it around like a shiny new pair of shoes, carry it until it's luster runs out (as all pretty new things do) and when it does, take 'em off and carry yourself by the strength you have deep in your soul, the strength that's been there all along.

What could you accomplish if you started today?

You'll never know until you take that first step.

Happy spring everyone. I encourage you all to bloom with the flowers now; find your inner strength, build it up, save it up, keep yourself going, and remember that "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day.” --Richard G. Scott.

Consistencey & perserverence will carry you through anything.

No excuses.

snowmobiling adventure

Wow. So today totally did not go as planned AT ALL. I woke up, Matt prevented me from making it to the gym ;) (ok, ok I chose not to go =P) Planned on dropping my son off at Simmons' so I could go to the gym before class, my son told me that Matt had promised him he could take a bath in the morning (which he had) so it was super late by the time I bathed him and dropped him off and it was either phone it in at the gym with a crappy workout, or go to class in my spandex pants, or skip class. I opted to skip class. Matt got done with court and decided he wanted to go snowmobiling, so we went up to Bone. Weather was great, sky was clear. Well, it started to snow when we pulled into the parking lot, and by the time we were 5 miles into our ride it was snowing and blowing so bad you couldn't see. We tried to keep going on, but it got so bad we couldn't see the trail and had to turn around. Well, we lost the trail on our way back and I got stuck while we were off it and then the clutch went out on the sled. Sigh. So we had to dig out, tow out the sled and I was extreeeeeeeeeeemly late for work.  Ah, good times, good times. =)

Ok, so here we go....

      So, I had another dream about shopping @ a store looking at after-holiday items on clearance. Last nights was halloween decor, but that's all I really remember about it....it was the store where I bought the dishes once in a dream....with all the dishes along the back wall. It's kinda set up as a cross between a craft store & a convenience store....kinda reminded me of the store built on the hill on the road behind my parent's house.
      I also had a dream I was in that strange multi-level house I sometimes have dreams in & the ISU volleyball team was there & the coach was trying to sleep with me & I really didn't want to so I kept avoiding him....but I wanted to be on the team sooooo bad. I seriously dream about volleyball alot. I also had a dream where I was at this black and glass "official" looking building (I've dreamed of it before, but I was on the inside last time), and I was helping a teacher with this little girl, or I was a teacher too or something, and we were waiting in line & this little girl looked up at me with the saddest eyes EVER and showed me where her daddy had hit her and it broke my heart in a trillion pieces & she said, I really wish he'd stop...I looked at the other teacher & she just shrugged like there was nothing she could do & said something about how horrible it was....
     Not a pleasant set of dreams. Woke me up @ 3am all sweaty & stressed & I couldn't fall back asleep. As always, I wonder what they mean, & I wonder why I am starting to dream so much again, especially all these recurring dreams? I shoulda written Monday nights down yesterday, I've forgotten them, I just remember they were premonition's (is that the right word?) again....I haven't had dreams like that in a long while....

hmmmmmmm. Maybe to do with drinking lots of caffeine again? Who knows.

2011: New year, new opportunities.

I know it's a couple days into the year, but better late than never. I don't really want to set a bunch of strict "do this every day & if you don't you're a failure" type resolutions, but I would like to focus on a few areas I think could use a little "tweaking" in my life. I'm thinking that picking one aspect out of different departments of my life would be the best approach (I dunno, making this up as I go lol). 

• Health-
• Nutrition: I have made great improvements in this department, but I don't want to slide down that slippery slope back to yo-yo dieting. That shit was horrible for me & I'm better off eating whatever I want then trying to seriously restrict myself. That was an all-around bad idea. I'd still like to focus on making healthy choices, but I'm not going to do the "binge tonight & starve tomorrow" cycle again. That was bad, bad, bad. So my goal here is to try and make healthy choices most of the time, & not stress when I don't.
• Exercise: I was doing pretty good in this department, but the last few weeks I've been slipping up. My goal is to never go two days in a row without working out @ least thirty minutes. Trying to keep it simple & realistic. This allots for a minimum of three thirty minute workouts a week, which I think is doable, even once I hit "maintenance." While I'm still trying to lose these last 15 lbs, my goal is 3 thirty minute strength (+10 minute (**1-mile) warm-up) & 3 thirty-five minute cardio workouts a week.  I know that's a little more complicated, but I'm not gonna stress it too much so long as I stick to the every other day goal.
• School-
• Homework: I always, always struggle with letting my reading & homework pile up, instead of doing a little here & there when I have time, so I'm going to reallllly try & work on this during my last two semesters. My goal is to not let two days go by without doing homework/reading, if I have something coming up & free time. So kinda like the workout goal, just doing a little something every other day @ least. I realize there are some days I just don't feel like doing anything, but there is no need for a break to be any longer than that.
• Perseverance: This one is pretty easy to say, but hard to do. Don't get any w's this year. Period. The end.
• Personal-
• Attitude: I really struggle with getting snippy with people when I'm upset about something, even if it has nothing to do with them. My goal here is to not try & be rude, short, raise my voice, or otherwise belittle those I'm in contact with, especially my parents 'cuz they are often unduly @ the brunt of my anger.
• Staying up: I get down waaaaaaaaay too easy. The slightest thing can cause me to second guess my self-esteem, my relationships, my choices, my ability to achieve goals etc. I need to stay positive & focused & not let things bring me down. I usually don't stay down long, but for those minutes, hours, days that I am down, those around me suffer, (this being closely related to the above sentiments).  Just because my boyfriend upsets me, doesn't mean we aren't going to make it, just because I'm frustrated & yell @ my son, I'm not a horrible parent, just cuz my friends & I get in a tiff, our friendship is not over & just 'cuz my makeup is a little skiwampis one day, does not mean I'm not beautiful.

Soooo, I guess it's a pretty intense set of goals I just outlined, but seriously, each of them is very important to me, & I feel that these changes I've identified are necessary for my ultimate happiness. So yeah, here's to a happy, healthy, productive, & POSITIVE 2011.

xoxoxox